Every so often I fall into the trap that many people do and start listening to the whispers in my head. Call it self-doubt. Call it self-loathing. Call it imposter syndrome. But whatever it is, the whispers are never a positive influence.
- You don’t deserve this.
- Happiness is for other people.
- You suck.
- Nobody listens, so why talk?
Now, the rational part of my mind knows this is all bullshit. I definitely deserve to be happy, deserve to be heard, and deserve to have the success that I have worked hard to achieve. But the whispers wear me down over time and I get more and more tired.
Though I am married to an extrovert, I’m definitely an introvert. So I typically have to combat this negativity by feeding the creative side of my personality during my downtime. Sometimes I can do that through my writing. Other times through reading or drawing or music.
But these days that’s become harder and harder to do as we have become more and more busy as a family. The girls are constantly busy with school, soccer, and busy social lives. My wife is working at multiple animal clinics, running a non-profit, playing indoor and outdoor soccer, and starting a business. I’m working a full-time job, trying to be a part-time publisher, and attempting to keep up with the madness.
What’s quickly becoming apparent is that without the time to recharge, the battle between positive and negative forces is becoming a losing one, so I need to change a few things. I can already feel the retreat from the world in full swing inside my brain and choosing to fall back behind a wall of my own devising is not the way to go.
I’m finding less and less downtime in the cracks and finding that a few minutes here or there isn’t enough to combat the slide. Even a few hours tucked in here or there doesn’t seem to be enough. Sleep isn’t enough because it never has been. And our lives are definitely not slowing down any.
So I just need to figure out how to a) stop the retreat and b) return to a sense of positivity again in a world not predisposed to giving me what I need.
Yay. This adulting thing continues to be a challenge.